paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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