if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
