it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
