I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
