I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
