All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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