The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
