My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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