So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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