Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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