What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
