Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
