Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
