I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
