I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
