You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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