dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
