I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
