Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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