At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I want a musical about memes.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
