they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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