just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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