You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
