life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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