Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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