my phone needs a breathalizer
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
