I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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