Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
