I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
