new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
