i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
