I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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