"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
