I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
