hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
