If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
