Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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