He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
