she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
