yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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