I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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