I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I wear drunk well.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize