Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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