yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
