I murdered the dance floor call the cops
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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