I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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