she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
