dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
