I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
