he thought i was a dude.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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