lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
