I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
