I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
