i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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