Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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