I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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