my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
