I just pynch a tree in the face
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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