The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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