she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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