I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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