Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
