I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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