The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize