please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
