Too much gin, very little bucket
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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