I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize