I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
